Almost 3 years ago I wanted to become a streamer. I had participated a bunch in content made by my faves like Great Night Live and wanted to make people feel good like they did for me. I did a lot of shots in the dark, things like random game streaming, virtual world history podcasts, and even a Harry Potter AR Game Vlog, but nothing felt like I was doing anything worthwhile. Then I got the Idea to try V-Tubing, becoming a character with a convoluted hidden ARG backstory. While that did not go far the show I created has gone on to become The Scynewave Show, something that I am rather proud to have been able to produce, but still, sometimes I feel that I'm just a quiet voice in a sea of content. Why push on? Why create?
Well, I've always had a cheerleader in Rollthered, an incredibly talented multimedia artist responsible for so many things in VRChat that it's almost quicker to list what he hasn't done for the VR community than everything he has, almost always for free and many times without credit. Shit, his work formed the core of the camera system that powers my show. However, even though every one of us interacts with things that he may have directly or indirectly touched every time we don a VR headset and enter a VR club, few people have had a conversation with him, and he's just explained why.
Red just releaced a very personal video titled "Social Anxiety In A Virtual World" in which he goes to public lobbies in VRC and dances with random people. While this may not seem like much, he has lived his entire life to this point fearing these very kinds of interactions. By dancing, he very publicly attempts to overcome his intense fear of social interactions and impostor syndrome, subjecting himself to the intimately vulnerable situation as a sort of "Social Vaccine." The result is a video unlike any He has ever produced. I pulled him aside to ask him a few questions about the work.
SO I just watched your video, I know there was a lot of spam text at the beginning, but what would you say was your strongest reason for getting out there and trying this?
I wanted to highlight the struggle social anxiety can bring, and ways to overcome it for anyone who feel's stuck. I actually had a few friends encouraging me to do this who have been emotional support for me. I wouldn't have done it without them.
For me personally social anxiety is something that I have always been able to run away from. When I finally decided to start facing it and getting out of my comfort zone after taking friends advice, I started to realize how much better I felt. And I wanted to capture that on video for all to see.
It feels like this was a very hard emotional struggle for you to start, I think we all feel moments of inadequacy and doubt over the worth of our expression. This clearly speaks to that. If you could put this struggle into words what do you think that they would say?
I feel like nothing says it better than the wall of text in the intro of the video honestly.
All the reasons I should have been myself but didn't because I was holding myself back. The music I chose also reflects some of my thoughts about social anxiety and how pressure defines us. I picked part in the song that mentions "what I wanted to become, is lost in all the moments that I just cant get back." because that solidified a lot of the reasons to keep trying for me.
Shoutout to defsharp btw, their music fit perfectly. I always pop on some music whenever I am getting hyped for something, and they hit all the emotions i was feeling.
I'm sure there is some other meaning to the song of course, but my interpretation of it was very strong.
Speaking as someone that would like to think themselves a close personal friend of yours I have seen over the years your struggles with the duality of your existence. there's RollTheRed, creator of countless tools, prefabs, shaders, a vast discography of music, and even bearing the title of default avatar creator, lending your own personal likeness to forever be ingrained into the initial VRchat experience … But then there is also Red, someone that despite DJing some of the biggest parties in VR, is very reclusive, private, and may or may not have an army of alt accounts that look, act, and sound nothing like anyone could ever expect from you. What was your big reason to exist online in this way in the past and what has inspired you to change?
Over time I realized that Rollthered as a brand name and me as a person were two of the same thing. A lot of the work I do is to make a positive impact on the world, and my social anxiety felt like I was running away from being myself while doing that. It made me realize that it is ok to be fully myself as a creator. and especially with the people who support my work, they expect nothing more and nothing less than to continue to see me thrive and be happy. So I owe it to myself to take good care of myself first and foremost before I can take care of others.
Being mostly a social hermit, and not being my true self out of fear was something I couldn't keep doing, I have had so many amazing interactions with people on Twitter who cheered me on throughout the lifespan of Rollthered as a project. And now I see that Rollthered can be more than an amalgamation of creative things I post, it is part of my identity. It is me.
In the text you wrote at the beginning of the video you gave some very personal reasons for challenging yourself to do this. I know this is hard but one of the reasons you gave was your late grandmother. Having personally experienced the loss of close family and currently going through the decline in my surviving grandmother's health I know how hard it is to come to terms with the concept of their loss. I can imagine what it must have felt for you, unable to reach out to her in the end. If it's ok, if you could have said something to her, do you mind sharing that with us here?
I would have told her this. : "Hey grandma, I know our time here is limited. And that you have always told me to keep pursuing things that make me happy. I just wanted you to know that I appreciated all the times you encouraged me to keep playing piano, and watching the sci fi channel late at night while we ate ice cream and joked about how bad the production quality of some of the movies were. You were my first real friend, you showed me what it means to be a good person in this world. And while you may be on your way to rest, I want you to know what positive impact you had on me and everyone else in the world. I love you."
Honestly I never even thought to say these words out loud, even after her passing. Saying that while typing got me tearing up a lot. It was very therapeutic, thank you for allowing me to say my peace here.
At the funeral reception, I was even unable to stay in the same room as everyone there.
It was a very rough moment in my life, but left a very important impact on me and how I treat my work and friends.
❤️
Who we are is formed by the impact we leave on the ones around us. We are our own myth builders, forging our stories within the hearts and minds of those we touch. There have been countless times when I felt that The Scynewave Show wasn't working, or that nobody cared about what I had to say, but then like clockwork there you were. Even in an empty fucking stream, you were the single viewer laughing at my horseshit... You were the first person that believed enough in what I was doing to become a regular guest. To show me that I could lean into comedy and actually be good at it. That was you. You were brave then, but you didn't even know it.
That means a lot to me that you said that. I honestly don't know what to say other than thank you for being there for me as well. I wouldn't have been able to do all the things I have done without my friends always supporting me emotionally, and you have made a big impact in my life as well.
I feel like a lot of the questions in this interview really solidify my emotions, and what it really is like to be not just a creator, but a person too. People may not see it, "but often the amount of work that goes into art is the bottom of the iceberg. While the art itself is just the tip." I remembered that quote, you said that to me about a year ago and I still hold onto it closely.
As someone that has been struggling with myself and mental health too, it means so much to me that I have had what you felt was a positive impact on your life. I'm glad that I was lucky enough to get to know you man. Bet.
❤️
I know you were rather direct in who you felt would benefit most from this video, but if you had one thing you would like to say to your followers, fans, and anyone else that might be helped by this, what would that be?
Life is scary, anxiety is normal. But the most feared thing in the world is fear itself. It defines us, and makes us not the person we strive to be. It can be very difficult sometimes, but you can always do something about it, whether it be helping a friend struggling with social anxiety, or seeking help yourself if you are struggling. Inaction leads to feeling bad and sitting with those feelings of anxiety.
In the video I showed myself going into public and letting go of all the inhibition that I was feeling. I knew there might be some negative interactions, but I stayed headstrong and in the end I was pleasantly surprised to have had such a positive experience despite my anxiety telling me the opposite was going to happen.
If I didn't do all of that, I would have been still sitting in my room alone completely isolated and probably in a much darker place right now.
I am no therapist, but I hope what I say helps someone out there.
Humans seek love.
Humans seek other humans to interact with.
Social anxiety prevents us from doing that and finding the love in our communities. And my heart goes out to anyone struggling with it. You can pull though this.
That was beautifully said.
Ok, one last thing. At the beginning of the video you said, "This is for all the times I could have used my voice to Teach and Inspire people online but never had the strength to." Yeah, I'm gonna call bullshit on that one my dude. Need I remind you of your community discord server that is, as of this conversation, sitting at 14 server boosts and over 2.4K members, 1,277 of which are currently ONLINE?
Imposter syndrome is a bitch ahahaha, you caught me!
I need to keep working on that
We can all work on it together, yeah?
Hell yeah.
How do you deal with Anxiety? Do you Dance, sing, or make some other kind of art? Are you trying to win your own battle, or just looking to meet new people or hang out? Take the first step; join the conversation below and say hi!
